You’re right, my marriage is just like a fairytale...
SOMEONE recently told me they thought Modern Dad and I had a fairytale relationship.
As I wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes and performed a random drug test on my friend, I thought about that statement and considered - perhaps she was right.
Once upon a time, there lived a Man and a Woman who both liked 90s metal and the mighty South Sydney Rabbitohs so they decided to get married and have children.
From the look of their lounge room and the sounds that came from their castle, you would think that there were at least one million children living there, but there were only three.
The Baby of the Land was ill, and was prone to coughing fits that sounded like she was about to cough up half a lung.
And of course, these fits took place at 2am, because the Baby of the Land deemed this to be the most appropriate time for her servant to attend to her needs.
And lo, the Woman was tired.
After a particularly wakeful night full of coughing and snot, the Man said "Woman, I must ride my motorcycle for five hours. I will see you upon my return; yea verily stock the fridge will you love?"
And the Woman did stock the fridge with the finest lager she could find in the house, and then she set forth to market, to buy some delicious treats.
On her return to the castle, the Woman laundered the Man's clothes and baked a cake for dessert.
The Man returned from his noble motorcycle ride and declared: "I am tired. I believe I will nap on the couch."
The Man woke from his nap refreshed, and announced: "I am parched. Woman, come and drink a beer with me while our children/ jesters entertain us."
The Woman was concerned, because she still had a lot to do before dinner, but because it was hot and beer is delicious, she agreed. Suddenly, the Man had a brilliant idea.
"Now is the perfect time to build a lute out of random objects I've had hanging about the castle for 18 months! I am a genius!"
The Woman agreed that indeed, he was a genius, but that perhaps he could put his genius on hold for an hour and watch the Baby while she cooked dinner.
"But Woman, I have just started gluing the fret board."
The Woman sighed, took the snotty coughing Baby and cooked a sumptuous feast while rocking a bouncy with one foot.
"Woman, you are almost as clever as I," exclaimed the Man. "But now I am tired, and could not possibly load the dishwasher. I must nap on the couch again."
The Woman sighed some more, but it could not be heard above the snoring, so she went to bed herself. Early the next morning, she heard the Man gently calling her.
"Woman?" he cooed softly.
"Yes darling?" she replied expectantly, waiting to hear words of love.
"Do you know where my keys are?" A fairytale indeed.
October's here, 'tis the season to be panicky
SO IT seems that it is October, which has sneaked up on me a little, which means Christmas is not too far away.
As usual, I have no idea what we're doing, what presents we're giving the kids, whether we're going away - nothing.
I know people who are completely done with their Christmas shopping, and it completely flummoxes me as to how anyone could be that organised.
Maybe that's a genetic thing that I missed out on.
Sorry kids, not only do I not know what you're getting for Christmas, but you've also inherited the chaos gene.
As you know, we don't do Santa, which kind of puts the pressure on a little bit more I reckon.
We can't blame a fat dude in a red suit or a shonky elf if a gift fails to impress. Oh no. If I buy the wrong Monster High doll, it's all on me.
Of course, my kids are happy with whatever they get.
And we are trying to reduce our consumption this year.
But still, I suppose I'd better get a wriggle on, or I'll find myself in a toy- buying frenzy come Christmas Eve once again.