The New Year is ripe with political opportunities, for some.
The New Year is ripe with political opportunities, for some.

Strange Politics: While you party, pollies plot and plan

IT'S New Year's Eve and tonight, the blood in our veins will be replaced with over-priced liquor or low-purity drugs, depending on whether you're a boring baby boomer or miserable millennial.

It's that time when we make promises we won't keep. No more pokies, no more smokes or no more smoking pot out of a tiny Breaka bottle - only glass from now on.

By January 5, we'll shrug off any hope of bettering ourselves and return to our swampy routines.

But for the chosen few - the most strange and elite among us - tonight is for planning and tomorrow is for action.

The politicians may be on break, but the politics never stops.

The abominable horror that was 2016 is gone, and 2017 is a ripe opportunity, particularly for those with their eyes on the prize.

Strange Politics can today reveal the New Year to-do lists probably held by some of the country's most influential and powerful politicians.

 

PAULINE HANSON

1. Exploit concerns of disaffected voters left high and dry by blinkered mainstream parties.

2. Expand the already successful sophisticated social media strategies to highlight concerns most pressing to voters.

3. Promise to fix problems but offer no actual solutions or actions.

4. Complain about the elites.

5. Use $1.2m in One Nation electoral funding to buy more Australian flags.

 

GEORGE CHRISTENSEN

1. Make Australia Great Again by making the Coalition look divided and weak by attacking the Prime Minister.

2. Make Australia Great Again by complaining about "loony lefties".

3. Make Australia Great Again by attacking elites.

4. Use $200,000 a year salary to buy more whips and dark blue singlets.

 

BILL SHORTEN

1. Attack Coalition on same-sex marriage.

2. Somehow become Prime Minister.

3. Complain about elites.

4. See if Dame Quentin Bryce and Michael want to do some public events with Chloe and me to boost my profile. Could be a fun mother and daughter event.

 

TONY ABBOTT

1. Research most dependable knives.

2. Study vertebral column. Note weak spots.

3. Complain about elites.

4. Find more impressive frame for Oxford University degree and Rhodes Scholarship. Maybe use gold card to fly to Paris for research.

 

MALCOLM TURNBULL

1. Google where to buy knife-proof suits.

2. Polish top hats.


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