Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

Price war a chook raffle in teacup

AUSTRALIA'S major supermarkets are under fire for charging too little for milk and threatening to do the same with chickens.

Consumer groups said the move would make them soft and ill-equipped to handle bad news.

"We have spent years being geared to ever-increasing prices and struggling week to week to pay the bills," a consumer spokesperson said. "Now the supermarkets are trying to give us $1 milk. It is just messing with our heads."

The Federal Government was equally outraged, calling a Senate Inquiry to quiz retail chiefs on the plan. "We smell a rat," committee chair Senator Alan Omelette said. "I think it might be in the cafeteria."

"We also do not trust the supermarkets. We think it might be a trick, or possibly magic."

Supermarkets defended the move with one major retailer threatening to add cheap chickens to the list of discounted groceries.

This development caused further widespread consternation, particularly among chickens. "It looks like I'm totally screwed now," one chicken known only as Hetty lamented.

Farmers said even though they were still being paid the same price for their milk, they weren't happy.

"We are farmers and by definition we are never happy," one farmer, posing next to a tractor in a paddock, said. "It's either too dry, too wet or they are selling our milk too cheap but still paying us the same amount. We are also unhappy about the constant cliched, stereotypical coverage of us standing next to tractors and suggestions that we can't find a wife."

The cheap milk is expected to send many sixth-generation farmers to the wall. "It's not a financial thing," the farmer said. "It's just a bit embarrassing. People look at $1 milk and think there must be something wrong with it. Or they buy soy milk. I'm not even sure how you milk soy. Either way it's off to the wall."

The supermarkets are also accused of strangling small retailers. This is believed to be illegal.

There are concerns that cheap chickens may kill Christmas. One old timer said back in his day people only ate chicken at Christmas.

"We were tough back then," he said.

"We ate leftovers five nights a week and the meat was so tough it broke your teeth."

Opposition leader Tony Abshot said he would not comment until he had checked behind himself for inappropriate placards and red necks. He said he had once chipped a tooth on an over-cooked steak.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said chickens would not be subject to a carbon tax and denied breaking an election promise to keep the price of milk outrageously high.

Thirsty Cow is completely made up. It does not represent the views of anybody in particular and holds only a dubious place in civilised society.


Federal Landcare group established

Federal Landcare group established

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