Venus is Fallon Hudson
I hate short shorts.
There, I have said it.
I hate them more than double denim.
I really don't understand why women, and I am referring to young women, who think wearing shorts where you can see their butt cheeks is fashionable.
This weekend I saw too many pairs of short shorts and I think I am going blind in one eye from the sight of them.
The only person in my opinion who can pull off the '70s hot pants is Kylie Minogue.
Remeber her Spinning Around film clip and the gold number she was dancing in?
Some of the shorts I witnessed looked like denim underwear.
There is a reason why underwear is called underwear, obviously some never got that memo.
They not only look tarty. The girls wearing them look damn uncomfortable, and to top it all off they decide to wear their bra or togs as a shirt. What the?
There is a saying: when it comes to an outfit, less is more.
I encourage the women who are leaving nothing to the imagination that in their case more is better.
Whatever happened to the knee-length cargo?
Now there was a stylish length.
I might be labelled a bit of a dag right now to even suggest such a thing, but I am going to put it out there, to start the trend again, because I really need to make sure I don't turn blind.
Mars is Zane Jackson
In a perfect universe, Warwick Capper's soprano-inducing ultra-small footy shorts in the '80s would have been the death knell of short shorts.
But as we all know, our world is far from perfect, and many short shorts atrocities continue to plague society.
We all know that in the right hands, and when filled by the right pair of legs and derriere, short shorts can look stunning on the fairer sex.
But the sad reality is that generally, the proportion of people who look good in short shorts is miniscule compared to those who look bad.
We've all seen it before. Big blokes who walk around the local shops with their beaten old footy shorts, with their pasty-white thighs on show for the world to see.
Then there are young girls and teens who, irrespective of their body size, seem to think it's cool to walk around looking as if someone put a five-year-old's shorts over their ankles and gave them a massive wedgie.
For blokes, there's only one fair excuse - for playing footy or any other sport.
But just because you played football once in your heyday, that does not mean you can still wear them years later.
Until they become extinct from wardrobes across Australia, let us be vigilant in our fight against short shorts.
Venus and Mars is a weekly humour column on the ongoing battle of the sexes.
Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.