Sunrise cat fight trumps rivals
As apartment towers continue to crack and sink and Gold Logies keep getting robbed from industry legends, we have been gifted something truly meaningful: an unlikely celebrity feud between a grandpa and an Insta-tween.
And just like that, for a second, everything seems right with the world.
For one week now, Sunrise host Kochie, 63, has been waging a bitch fight with Married At First Sight contestant Martha, 31. All because of elbows. I'll provide more context further down, but it still won't make sense.
All that matters is those genii at Sunrise have hijacked a Channel 9 star and used her to propel their show into the headlines every day for a week. They knew what they were doing from the beginning. Rich, old, straight, white men have been victimised by reality stars-turned-influencers for too long. Australia wouldn't stand for this.
Nine must be spewing. No doubt bosses are scolding Deb Knight for not showing initiative and broadcasting bold claims about an MKR villain.
Not since the time Denise Drysdale pelted Ita Buttrose with brussels sprouts have we cared so much about a feud. With all the doom and gloom in the news, it's just great to have something uplifting to follow.
Whose side are we on in #ElbowGate? Are the disturbing claims even true? Who cares. The truth is for losers. Don't tell my editor or ABC's Media Watch I said that.
Anyway, it's all very convoluted. The best celebrity feuds are.
Kochie threw the first punch the morning after the Logies when he declared on Sunrise that Martha had elbowed him in the ribs so she could get closer to the paparazzi on the red carpet.
Martha couldn't believe it. She's a respected alumna of Nine's most esteemed reality series. This is the same woman who was mildly-choked by Cyrell while wearing a hydrating face mask! The same woman who then went and mildly glassed Cyrell! How dare those Sunrise twerps go and mock her.
So she did what any self-respecting reality star would do. She posted a thoughtful and considered video response on her YouTube account, which she recorded while also eating a taco.
Even with a mouthful of guac, Martha presented compelling points that shut down those Sunrise meanies.
"That lady Sam made fun of me! She said she couldn't pick me out of a line up. I don't know what that means," Martha gasped.
"Oh and then that other girl said I had attitude," she spat. It's not clear if "that other girl" is Nat Barr or Mark Baretta.
As a side note, "That Lady and The Other Girl" would be a great name for Nine's Today show if they're looking to jazz things up with a rebrand.
But back to the feud. Martha knows her fight isn't really with that lady or the other girl. It's with Kochie.
"I just thought, like, dude, you're, like, my dad's age," Martha scolded.
Kochie joins a long line of old men waging bitch fights with younger women. Prince Philip has been locked in a decades-long feud with Fergie for no particular reason and we all aspire to be that level of petty.
As Martha continued to rebut the claims in YouTube videos, Kochie doubled down. Can you triple down? If so, he also did that. Because he didn't know how to post his own YouTube video responses, he went old school showbiz and took to the streets to address a media pack but still refused to expose the bruises he endured.
Scepticism began to grow. Typical. It's always easier to blame the victim than wake up to the fact reality stars-turned-influencers are running rampant with zero awareness of the pain their elbows can cause.
We all tuned into Sunrise on Friday to see if Kochie would finally buckle under the mounting pressure to present his bruises. He wasn't there. It was just That Lady and The Other Girl.
It wasn't all that surprising. Kochie's 63. Waging bitch fights with Insta-tweens takes it outta you.
GO JULIE! GO JULIE!
Obviously the Kochie and Martha feud is only going to get uglier. And it absolutely sounds like a job for Judge Julie.
It came out this week that a big-budget TV show fronted by Julie Bishop is being shopped around and the whole premise sounds insane. The idea is basically that she flies to glamorous international cities and interviews people like Oprah and Nigella Lawson while they walk around the streets.
We all love Julie but it just sounds like she's trying to find a boss who will fund her holidays. Still, we applaud her enterprising ways. I've been petitioning for years for my editor to let me head-up a Byron Bay Bureau. I'm just really passionate about regional news and Hemsworths.
The trick didn't work for me and it's not going to work for Julie. She could just audition to be a presenter on Getaway. Or she could pitch her own Ricki Lake-style talk show where she wheels out nutbags and death stares them while they hurl chairs at each other. Martha and Kochie would be tremendous first guests. Go Julie! Go Julie!
Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir