Entertainment

The sexiest MKR challenge yet

Courtney and Valerie have these expressions for a good reason.
Courtney and Valerie have these expressions for a good reason. Channel 7

IT'S time for sauce.

Tonight's challenge on MKR is to make a sauce worth bottling, and it's sexy as all get-out. Suitably, Curtis Stone pushes out some stubble and heads to Coles, Melbourne's erotic epicentre, to be a guest judge.

Down down, undies are down.
Down down, undies are down. Channel 7

"I've been working for Coles for seven years and they've never put my sauce in a bottle" says Curtis, a testament to Coles' high hygiene standards. He goes on to reveal that today's winners will have their sauce sold nationwide, information that sends a ripple of excitement through the teams.

Keeping with the saucy theme, it seems fair to rank the teams in order of sexiness as they launch into a frenzied orgy of sauce production. Starting with:

10. MELL & CYN

"Normally we want to show a little bit of sophistication in our food" Mell says at the beginning of the challenge. "But today we have to cook for normal people" Cyn adds, misquoting Jarvis Cocker.

There's nothing sexy at all about looking down on people. The hoi class ladies don't eat sugar, but make a sickly sweet sauce because "the shoppers love it".

You know what else they love? Watching you make broad assumptions and then lose.

9. BRETT & MARIE

For their tomato-ey veal and sausage sauce, the competition's beigest couple uses a recipe from Marie's nonna. Very, very few things are less sexy than the phrase "grandma's sauce".

8. MARK & CHRIS

You're in trouble when you're in a cooking competition, but you're best known for laughing at your own dumb jokes. Mark and Chris make a semi-decent duck with spiced orange sauce, but they also put their food safety baseball caps on backwards which, unbeknown to most people wearing backwards baseball caps, loses big sexy points.

Enjoy your ducking lunch, lady.
Enjoy your ducking lunch, lady. Channel 7

Frankly the only reason they're even this high on the list is because they keep saying "breast".

7. BETTY & DAVID

As consistently friend-zoned David is well aware, sexiness is limited when you're cooking Betty's mother's peanut satay sauce, but that's not to say that no tingly feelings are stirring in anyone's peanuts. David admits to "fangirling" over Curtis Stone, and when the chef visits their station to sample their very excellent sauce, David saves the spoon.

"I'm gonna sell this spoon on eBay, Curtis Stone licked it!" he exclaims excitedly.

6. VALERIE & COURTNEY

OK, this is getting awkward, but you have to admit Valerie and Courtney's deeply spicy food is sexy as hell. Granted, they're making an Anglo-Indian sauce from a departed relative's recipe book, but they do it with so much sincere passion, and wearing so many animal-print kaftans, that this face is totally warranted:

It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your cloves.
It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your cloves. Channel 7

5. JOSH & AMY

Josh badly wants his face on a bottle, and violent fantasies aside, he's probably the only one. His main contribution to the peri peri sauce seems to be overcooking chicken and criticising his wife.

"You're obviously doing something wrong" he tells Amy when her tortilla is dry and unresponsive.

Amy's irritation with her husband becomes more and more evident as he barks orders at her while ruining their dish, so it's no surprise that when Curtis visits and starts a friendly conversation, you can visibly see Amy's capillaries open. She's just not used to a man treating her like a human being.

Josh, uncomfortable with seeing his wife happy, tells her to get back to work.

Shut up, Josh.

4. COURTNEY & DUNCAN

It's impossible not to love Court and Dunk just a little bit, especially when they make a buttery, lemony sage sauce. They're supportive of each other in the most adorable way, especially when they misjudge their sous-vide water bath temperature and overcook their meat, something that happens in every relationship eventually.

Their sauce doesn't cut the mustard, but there are only a few things sexier than Colin Fassnidge asking a lady to squeeze her husband's bag of pork.

3. AMY & TYSON

Fried chicken with gravy is, in anyone's language, extremely sexy.

It doesn't win any competitions, but Amy describes it as thick and creamy, which shoots her and Tyson up to the pointy end of the list. I didn't even take points off for Amy's backwards baseball cap, because I figured a little part of her died when she had to wear it, so she's suffered enough.

MC Stockpot on the wheels of steel.
MC Stockpot on the wheels of steel. Channel 7

2. KAREN & ROS

Karen and Ros make pork crackling. I hear they also make a sauce, but who cares, because Karen and Ros make pork crackling, the most arousing of all cracklings.

Not only that, Kyle offers to help them cut the crackling off their pork. A man putting the needs of others before his own in the presence of pig meat. I may need a moment to myself.

He just looked at the pork and it undressed itself.
He just looked at the pork and it undressed itself. Channel 7

1. TIM & KYLE

While we're on Kyle, hands up who wants to be on Kyle? Tim is nice and all, but he's competing with an eight-foot hairy mountain man, so Tim knows he's only there for cooking skills and conversation.

The boys make steak with mushroom sauce, which doesn't even matter, because Kyle talks about letting Tim touch his meat, and Kyle is literally salt bae.

As judging reaches its natural climax, Courtney and Valerie win people's choice, Court, Dunk, Mell and Cyn go to sudden death, and Colin drinks a cup of gravy.

He doesn’t even spit it out.
He doesn’t even spit it out. Channel 7

I'm spent, but I could probably watch another episode in fifteen or twenty minutes.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely

News Corp Australia

Topics:  channel 7 my kitchen rules television


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

OPINION: Pros, cons of once-sacred super fund

Can QSuper be recommended as a super fund? The answer is sometimes yes and sometimes definitely no.

Financial advisor Christoph Schnelle reviews QSuper

LIVE BLOG: Two debutants in Blues team for Origin I

Jarryd Hayne will return to the NSW side.

Community feedback sought on shark net trial

The NSW Department of Primary Industries is inviting north coast residents and stakeholders to provide feedback on the trial of shark nets.

Have your say on the shark net trial

Local Partners

Ballina 'uninhabitable' in latest sea level rise scenario

SOME of the Northern Rivers most valuable coastal real estate will be underwater by 2100, according to new modelling. Check out the interactive map.

What to expect at Birds of Tokyo's Ipswich gig

The band will perform at the Racehorse Hotel on Friday.

BAND member Glen Sarangapany talks music, pub grub and doing shoeys

Space Cowboy: Byron's record-breaking showman

MESMERIZING PERFORMER: The Space Cowboy, Byron Bay's Chayne Hultgren, goes on stage this weekend.

See his mind-bending live show this weekend

Enjoy a true Latin chill in Bangalow

Katie Noonan and Karin Schaupp have joined forces for new album, Songs of the Latin Skies, and Australian tour.

With Katie Noonan and Karin Schaupp

Casual Keanu says fame is ‘cool’

NOBODY expected much of Keanu Reeves' action thriller John Wick when it was released in 2014.

19 dead, 59 injured after nail blast: Ariana Grande concert

There have been multiple confirmed deaths after 'explosions' heard at Ariana Grande concert in Manchester

"We saw blood on people when we got outside."

Ariana Grande breaks her silence after fatal blast

According to reports quoting witnesses, a mass emergency evacuation was prompted after explosions were heard at the end of US singer Ariana Grande's concert in the arena.

The entertainment industry is in shock after attack on concert

Pitch Perfect star suing Woman’s Day over ‘liar’ articles

Actor Rebel Wilson outside court on Friday.

REBEL Wilson's career destroyed by grubby campaign, court hears.

Seven Year Switch: The boner to end all boners

Johnny’s outraged over claims he has a cracked boner.

She gulps. Her face says it all.

Bay to star in Hollywood shark thriller ‘Cage Dive’

Cage Dive, written and directed by Gerald Rascionato, is now screening in the United States of America. It had scenes filmed in Hervey Bay.

And our visiting humpback whales also make appearance.

Celebrity sex tapes: Where does all that money go?

Basically, did Paris and Kim earn fortunes from their videos?

One of Maryborough's most historic homes is still for sale

FULL OF HISTORY: Trisha Moulds is owner of the historic Tinana state known as Rosehill. The beautiful home is currently for sale.

It has been the scene of both joy and tragedies over the years.

The face of the Sunshine Coast's overpriced rental crisis

Alyx Wilson had to rent a $385 unit in Currimundi because the market was too competitive for cheaper rental housing. She is now renting a room from friends who own a house in Currimundi, and says its much more affordable.

Young people feel the strain in competitive, expensive rental market

WATCH: Take a tour of a tradie's dream home

5a Bruce Hiskens Court, Norman Gardens, going for $720,000. INSET: Lea Taylor.

Huge block with potential for anything

REVEALED: Where it's cheaper to pay off a mortgage than rent

6/190 Ewing Rd, Woodridge, is listed for offers $215,000. Picture: realestate.com.au

Brisbane suburbs where it is cheaper to buy than rent

The hardest place in the state to find a rental property

RENTAL SHORTAGE: Richmond River, Ballina Bar Emigrant Creek Pacific Highway Teven Interchange. Photo Jay Cronan / The Northern Star

Not enough supply to meet insatiable demand

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!