Peter Patter: 'Let's make Australia great again!'
WHAT a shambolic week it's been in Canberra.
I thought I was watching the Fox Footy channel with ongoing speculation of NRL coaches' sackings and transfers which, in the scheme of things, is far more important than what was going on in the nation's capital.
Really, it matters little who is leader -Turnbull, Dutton, Abbott or Menzies - it will pretty much be business as usual at party level.
But should Bennett end up at the Dragons, or Seibold at the Broncos, or Johnathon Thurston back at Brothers Toowoomba, now that's of national significance.
I dare not even speculate about the Australian cricket team captaincy, a position rightly considered above that of Prime Minister.
But back to the shambles that is Canberra - the politicians, not the Raiders. Why do we pay these people so much money to allegedly run the country for us?
When you take a look at the major issues like our ever increasing national debt, unemployment, homelessness, and the fact our national rugby team can't beat a mob from across The Ditch picked from a population one-sixth the size of ours, Australia is in trouble.
But, our politicians, of all persuasions, aren't even talking about those issues let alone doing something about solving the problems.
Fair dinkum, if our pollies were paid on performance and positive results, as is the case with most of us in the workforce, they'd owe us money.
Now, having put aside my political aspirations for some time, I'm afraid the time has come to register the Patter Party and take over The Lodge in a coup to end this madness that has become today's Canberra.
And, we'll have some support too when people learn of our policies, the first of which is to drastically lower the tax on beer which will guarantee us a healthy majority for a start.
We'll make beer so cheap that no-one will bother venturing down dark alleys to hand over $20 for a hit of "ice", ecstasy or marijuwhoopyweed.
And, with me as your leader, there will be complete transparency.
Yes, I'll be open to corruption but that will be obvious early into my prime ministership.
Being openly corrupt, there will be no scandals coming out of The Lodge which will from then on be known as Animal House - for those familiar with the 1978 John Belushi movie.
And yes, in keeping with traditional Queensland politics, there will be the occasional "brown paper bag" left outside the door of the PM's office but, hey, brown paper bags are biodegradable so at least that's in keeping with our environmental policy.
While on environmental issues and to appease the Green voters, no government I lead will return to coal fired power stations. (I can hear the cheers from the trees.)
Why would we need coal when we can go 100% nuclear!
We've got all the uranium we need and, before the environmentalists start screaming "What about the nuclear waste?", we've already got that solved.
We'll dump all the nuclear waste under Brookvale Oval on Sydney's North Shore.
Well, everyone hates the Manly Sea Eagles anyway. And, they won't even need to upgrade their field floodlights - the place will be glowing 24/7.
As for fake news? I come from fake news and there'll be plenty of that coming out of The Lodge.
However, the Patter Party's biggest shift in Australian politics will be to move Parliament House.
After this week Canberra is irrevocably tainted, so Parliament House will be moved to Table Top Mountain which will be surrounded by Lake Burley Griffin as a moat.
If nothing else, this move will save on government chauffeured cars.
Parliamentarians will have to catch the newly installed cable car from Picnic Point for question time.