Abigail Hone died in a crash involving a tourist driver. Photo / Facebook
Abigail Hone died in a crash involving a tourist driver. Photo / Facebook

Mother who lost daughter helps others work through grief

LUCY Hone will be trying to "walk through it" today on the second anniversary of her 12-year-old daughter's death.

Abi Hone, her best friend Ella Summerfield and Ella's mum, Sally, were tragically killed on May 31, 2014, when a Dutch driver ran through a stop sign and crashed his rented stationwagon into the side of their Volvo near Rakaia on Queen's Birthday weekend.

Mrs Hone, who has a PhD in wellbeing and resilience science, said the pain of living without her funny, beautiful daughter hurt every day.

"For us the anniversary isn't particularly special, it is the daily battle to learn to live a life that she's not in. Sometimes people say we are thinking of you particularly at this time, well that's really nice but we are thinking of her all the time."

Mrs Hone wrote a book called What Abi Taught Us, with practical strategies for coping with grief, after she realised that there was not much bereavement research.

"I was told what we would feel and that it was going to go on for years and that grief was individual, but there didn't seem to be enough information about what we could do to help us along that path."

Abi's Ugg boots still sit beside her brother's at the front door of the Hones' home in Christchurch, the bedroom has the same duvet cover and her sunglasses are on the rear view mirror in her dad's truck.

Mrs Hone said having reminders of Abi around was not a sign the family isn't dealing with her death, in fact it was the opposite.

"The general thinking now from the new science of bereavement is you don't have to pack it all away. You can't eradicate that person from your life because that person is so part of your life."

Abi's clothes have been given to friends or in some cases turned into cushions, but the most of the pictures in her room remain untouched.

She acknowledged leaving the room untouched while others slept on the couch could be going too far.

"From my professional experience that's when you consider whether it's helping you in your daily functioning or harming you. We mainly function - we are accepting that we are going to have days where we are going to cry or breakdown or leave the house. We've got to continue to live."

Through her research, she also learnt it was okay to withdraw from grief and have a break.

"Most people have managed to cope with it so they don't end up in a therapist's chair or clinically impaired by grief. And so, it's quite interesting to know that is what we isolate - we have to approach grief and then we have to withdraw again when we are ready.

"It's fine to avoid your grief when you want to and engage in distracting activities because you have to give your brain and heart a rest. I don't think people understand it."

- NZ Herald

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