MKR recap: ‘Just leave me the f**k alone’
IT'S Karen and Ros's turn to cook at the what, eight thousandth MKR instant restaurant, and honestly it's a wonder anyone still has the energy to raise a glass to their lips.
Speaking of which, it's advisable not to play a drinking game during this episode where you take a swig any time either anyone mentions childbirth or there's footage of Ros's bare shoulders.
"We want to give birth to beautiful food tonight" says Karen, instantly inventing the world's worst sentence. Still, no time for traumatic mental imagery, there's guests to feed!
There's something about the guests tonight. It's like they haven't recovered from Court and Dunk's meat marathon of the previous night. There's no pep. There's no fizzle. There's no telling how many thousands of episodes are left in this show.
Well, at least now that they've had their turn, Court and Dunk can relax and lift the mood with their customary upbeat whimsy, right guys?
Oh well, we'll check in on them later, I'm sure they'll cheer up.
There's an excited blip on the radar when Tully, surrounded by maternity ward paraphernalia, announces that she's actually pregnant, causing us all to think back over the series and see if we remember seeing her drinking or eating any soft cheeses.
Karen and Ros are really good at cooking simple, tasty food without fiddling with it, so for their ultimate instant restaurant they decide to take simple, tasty food and fiddle with it.
They crumb haloumi, a cheese that's better if it's not crumbed.
They puree parsnip with the woody core in, a puree that's better if the woody core isn't in.
They put a vanilla sauce with fish, a sauce that's better with things that aren't fish.
They don't fiddle with their beef cheek ragu with parmesan mash at all, and I want it injected directly into my bloodstream.
After all that, let's check back in on Court and Dunk and see how they're doing!
If you had a pimple on your nose that you were embarrassed about, imagine going to a dinner party where everyone just openly talked about your pimple to each other. That's how Court and Dunk feel about facing elimination at the bottom of the leaderboard and having the other teams discussing their failings in front of them.
"I'm f**king sick of this. Just leave me the f**k alone" bursts the sweetest ex-vegan pixie elf in the entire world, standing and storming out of the room.
Really, that's no language to use when there's a baby in the room.
After a brief return to the table just in time to be unamused by the comedy zenith that is people speaking after inhaling helium, Court and Dunk chuck a few more grumps and swears down the table.
They're determined to stay cranky, so Manu takes them aside and gives them a stern, whispered talking to. It's hard to understand some of the sentiment, but I ran it through a French translator.
If we defend their behaviour, it's because we understand that they're mortified and disillusioned and over it.
If we don't defend their behaviour, it's because staying grumpy over something that everyone else has also been through and bumming out the whole table in the process is more than a little bit self-indulgent.
Court and Dunk apologise and endeavour to become exponentially more chipper.
Either way, it feels highly unusual to be critical of anyone at the table that isn't Josh, so it's a massive relief when he says something douchey.
"The biggest baby at the table so far has gotta be Court" he remarks with his traditionally indistinct mumble.
Let's just file the whole incident under "understandable but unacceptable" and be done with it. It's easy to forgive people that have a long history of empathy, sensitivity, and being good eggs. But DON'T DO IT AGAIN. Give us a smile, go on.
Court and Dunk have even more reason to smile when Karen and Ros replace them at the bottom of the leaderboard.
Karen and Ros seem quite philosophical about it, too. The midwives take Court and Dunk's recipe for sour grapes, fiddle with it, and turn it into good sportsmanship.
It's their best dish yet.
Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter @JoThornely