This MKR judge’s face says it all
We're in the semi-finals of MKR, and it's an epic battle. We know it's an epic battle, partly because the perpetually-clenched voice-over guy tells us so, and partly because there's superimposed phrases floating across the screen.
There's basically three main players in tonight's episode.
And of course, the team that really holds this whole episode together:
We're really at the point now where losing any team will feel like losing a limb, and the two teams making entree, main and dessert today are very, very important to the MKR story.
On the one hand, if we lose Amy and Tyson we lose some of the most innovative and technique-drenched cooking this competition has ever seen.
On the other hand, if we lose David and Betty we may never hear the word "hashtag" again.
Still, as constant footage of people looking diagonally upwards at a clock tells us, there's no time. We need to get cooking.
There are two important cooking techniques to be learned when watching the teams making their delicious entrees.
The first is the introduction of "bounciness" into your sugarcane prawn mixture, achieved by pounding your dough repeatedly.
The other is the intensely gruesome technique of decapitating squabs, or young pigeons, a practice that MKR's editors take considerable glee in turning into a violent montage.
But look, it's fine. Amy's just going to pop the squab heads in the oven so the flavour of their innermost thoughts can really infiltrate her sauce. It's pretty generous of her to save us the hassle of thinking up our own nightmares tonight.
Betty and David's secret entree ingredient is mentioning their mothers a lot.
Amy and Tyson's secret entree ingredient is pretending once again that the appearance of "Angry Angry Man" is imminent, despite zero confirmed sightings of him over the last three months.
Either way, the techniques work a treat, with judges unable to separate the two delicious dishes.
As Manu shouts "DON'T LET YOUR DREAM DIE TODAY" in that upbeat, casual way that Frenchmen are known for, the teams rush to start:
Like a starlet's Spanx at the Logies, both teams try to cram as much into their main course dishes as possible.
Betty and David make twice-cooked pork belly with pumpkin puree and nashi pear, while Amy and Tyson cook duck two ways and turnip three ways with two different sauces.
Despite all that, David still finds time to chip away at Betty's friendzone resolve, using the most romantic of all vegetables: the onion.
"I'm like an onion Betty, I have many layers" he says, starting well.
"I'm sweet, I'll make you cry" he continues, losing his momentum.
"I'll make you laugh" he adds, over-estimating the comedic value of onions.
And finally, once he's beyond rescue, David finishes with "I'm tasty when I'm charred?".
By this point Betty is clearly aflame with desire.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the fridges, Tyson and Amy are writing a poem called "Stop Fiddling With The Duck While I'm Plating Up", which goes:
I'm searing duck skin in a pan.
(Let's go Ty. Let's go Ty)
Plate turnips quickly as you can.
(Let's go Ty. Let's go Ty)
I'll do this one thing, you do nine
(Let's go let's go let's go Ty)
OH HOLY CRAP, IS THAT THE TIME?
(UM YES IT IS MATE, LET'S GO TY).
The judges are less impressed with the main than the entrees due to undercooked pork and overcooked duck, and maybe because they miss the subtle flavouring of decapitated heads. The result will all come down to:
With dessert not their strong point, David and Betty keep their flavours relatively direct and pure with a sweet mango sorbet offset by a salty coconut sauce artistically splattered onto the plate.
"I'm definitely getting my Jackson Pollock on with this plating, it reminds me of Year Nine art class" says Betty.
By contrast, Amy and Tyson make a Pimm's and ginger jelly with cucumber sorbet and pickled cucumber, a complex and time-consuming dish garnished with fruit, panic, and swearing.
"We've only got half an hour, we don't have enough time for Tyson to be swearing at oranges" exclaims Amy.
Desserts are served to the judges, who are impressed by Betty and David's mango sorbet but left a little cold by the chewy, dry sticky rice. Ha! By this point surely Amy and Tyson will bring it home easily with their fancy cocktail dessert.
Unless they put great chunks of vinegary cucumber in the middle of their dessert I guess.
We don't get to hear the full critique before we're suddenly there, on the stage bit, abruptly ready to find out if it will be chewy rice or vinegary cucumber that will kill dreams today.
Scores are revealed agonisingly slowly - a drowsy cavalcade of all eights and nines, until by an absolute hair of a two-point difference, Amy and Tyson emerge victorious. There's barely a dry squab eyeball in the house.
David and Betty sadly gather their thoughts for their final to-camera interview, taking the opportunity for a final inspiring philosophical dictum.
"Hashtag disappointed" says David.
That's beautiful, man.
Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely