THE Sunday before International Women's Day is an auspicious day, so I went for brunch at a local cafe. Women were there, but not serving, they were eating, talking, relaxing.
Men were serving the women. And they looked so cute in outfits with lots of flesh on display. I guessed they would be paid more, get higher penalties and generally be treated better than the women. So I checked with a question here and there as they scurried to and fro with orders. And they did it beautifully, proving the whinge about penalties is crap.
If people are too lazy to work, they should follow these wonderful men. So here's how they do it, slackers.
The bloke in the short skirt with the cute waxed legs, Malcolm, claimed to be capable of running the country. I wish I'd caught his last name but he did so much gloating and finger pointing that I tuned out. He's independently wealthy and doesn't need penalty rates and nor should anyone else.
He had planned to wear today's outfit to that Gay Mardi Gras in Sydney but they didn't make him a guest of honour. I suggested Section 18C be expanded to cover that but he's thinking about adding a whole section banning discrimination against politicians. The bloke in the mailbox-red number - very hot, too - reckoned he was a refugee from racism and religious persecution. When I asked where he came from, he said "The Post". I'm not good on geography so I didn't ask what country it's in. "How do you cope without penalties, Ahmed? And nice nipples by the way. What time do you get off?"
"Oh, not that sort of boy? Sorry. It was a compliment. No need to get shirty." But he did. Put his shirt on. There goes my fun.
But I got my answer. This is his second job. His other job pays $5.6 million a year. He's the top mail, not the top male.
Apparently Malcolm's the top male, a great sportsman and a politician who's been trying to get rid of bribes because they distort the market.
"Bribes? You mean to politicians?"
"No. Penalty rates. Overpaying a bunch of sheilas who should be grateful they even have a job."
"Of course. And why is Malcolm such a great sportsman?"
"You know an own goal is when you kick the ball into your goal, usually by mistake and off an opponent. Malcolm tried to make this penalty cut stick to Bill Shorten because Bill started the review of penalty rates. But the more Malcolm tried to make it stick, the more it looked like WorkChoices - remember that?"
"So our Prime Minister is the first person to score an own penalty."
At this point I figure I'd better tap into Ahmed's expertise: "Well, you're obviously a smart person despite dressing so cutely, tell me two things: why were you paid so much? And what's a really good life tip?"
"I wasn't paid much. I got $100,000 to run a massive group - about twice what a postie gets - and $5.5 million hush money to stop me telling politicians how much hush money I got.
"And after working here today I can give you the best life tip of all: don't work in hospitality, retail or similar jobs."110
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