'Maybe don’t take this advice from Trump'
When it comes to medical advice, Donald Trump is about as trustworthy as the personal trainer who once tried convincing me I should self-administer tanning injections he bought on the dark web.
It should go without saying but US president Donald Trump is not a doctor. He's not even one of those pretend PhD doctors. At best, Donald Trump is a third tier influencer - trialling and promoting off-brand tanning products and teeth-whitening lasers.
Like those influencers, Donald takes the risk so we don't have to. That's what fearless dedication to public service looks like in 2020.
The latest product he's spruiking? No, there's no more #sponpo posts for Clorox salad dressing and ingestible light bulbs. He has now moved onto Hydroxychloroquine.
Kylie Jenner has cornered the weight-loss tea market, so Trump has had to move into the arena of unproven medicine.
He revealed today he has been taking the drug hydroxychloroquine to ward off the coronavirus. Leaving reporters stunned, he casually explained he had been taking the anti-malaria drug every day for a week and a half. He rattled it off in the same breezy tone Jennifer Aniston tells magazines she has a spoonful of collagen powder in a glass of warm water every morning upon waking.
"A lot of good things have come out about the hydroxy. A lot of good things have come out," he told reporters at the White House.
A lot of good things? All the things coming out about it involve warnings that it's not proven to be effective at treating COVID-19 and can cause serious side effects including heart problems.
"I've heard a lot of good stories," he persisted.
A lot of those stories also include warnings that hydroxychloroquine can lead to death.
"What have you got to lose?" he dismissed. Again, death.
"If it's not good, I'll let you know," he assured us. And we're sure he will - unless, of course, the whole death side effect kicks in.
"All I can tell you is, so far I seem to be OK," he smirked knowingly.
Look, we can't argue with that. He seems just as nuts and incoherent as he did prior to taking hydroxychloroquine, so, by those standards, he does seem OK. But the second he starts spouting anything that seems remotely logical or sensible, then we should absolutely start to worry.
By pure coincidence, around the same time Trump was dolling out medical advice to the world, a new study was released which declared the general public should not take to the internet and use online symptom checkers to determine any suspected illnesses. But if it's between Dr Google and Dr Trump, it's probably safer to choose the robot.
Did Dr Trump bother consulting Dr Google? No, that's ridiculous. He consulted the White House doctor who, it sounds like, just kinda got fed up arguing with Trump and gave him whatever he asked for just so he didn't have to put up with him for longer than he had to.
"No, he didn't recommend it," Trump said of the doctor.
"I asked him, 'What do you think?' He said, 'Well, if you'd like it.' I said, 'Yeah I'd like to take it.' A lot of people are taking it."
I wish my doctor was as fast and loose with his prescriptions like Trump's is.
Like any true influencer worth their salt, Trump made sure to tell fans this endorsement was authentic and definitely not a #sponpo.
" … Hey, people said, 'Maybe he owns the company.' I don't own the company. You know what? I want the people of this nation to feel good," he assured.
Of course, even the most successful influencers get trolled. And you better believe Nancy Pelosi tried dragging him in the comments section.
"As far as the president is concerned, he's our president and I would rather he not be taking something that has not been approved by the scientists, especially in his age group and in his, shall we say, weight group - what is it, 'morbidly obese' they say," she told CNN.
Haters gonna hate.
Originally published as Maybe don't take this advice from Trump