TWO decisions have flawed Australia during Sunday night's episode of Married At First Sight - with one bride deciding to stay in a hell of her own making and another bride deciding to abandon her eternal happiness in favour of living in close proximity to a Westfield.
In both cases, that GIF of Tyra Banks scream-crying "we were all rooting for you!" applies.
For the past eight weeks, Nadia's husband Anthony has picked her outfits, dissed her boobs and shamed her career choices on television. Nadia finally has the chance to escape during Sunday's vow renewal ceremony. But instead of latching onto the helping hand that's trying to save her, she shoos it away and pretends like she hasn't spent the last two months being extremely unhappy.
In the days leading up to the ceremonies, both of the final couples - Nadia and Anthony, and Sean and Susan - separate for the week.
While Nadia is back in her Brisbane apartment - rocking back and forth on the floor because she's so overwhelmed by the freedom of being able to choose her own outfits again - Anthony meets his mate in Sydney to chat about how confident he is they'll both decide to stay together. He meets his friend for coffee at an ice creamery which is a strange venue for a grown man to choose. They talk about stuff, but I forget what they said because I was distracted trying to decide if the teddy bear in this scene is really big and far away, or really tiny but just super close.
"It doesn't make me nervous because I KNOW Nadia," Anthony tells us, and I rewind the footage several times just to double check he said "know" and not "own" and it actually could be either.
Up in Brisbane, Nadia is also chatting to a friend about the big decision. Rational thinking soon goes out the window and Nadia spirals down into a place you'd usually only find yourself after drinking a whole bottle of white wine at 1.30 in the morning while alone in your apartment on a Saturday night.
"DO I WANT ANTHONY TO BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN BECAUSE THE NEXT PERSON I CHOOSE IS THE PERSON I'LL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH AND I. WILL. MAKE. SURE. OF. THAT." she panics.
I'd like to say Nadia has calmed down by the following morning, but she hasn't. Her nuttiness managed to reach such levels overnight that she's now been pushed into a completely different field of oddness.
She tells us about a life-changing revelation that's come from a bizarre dream she's just woken up from.
With complete seriousness, she tells us this dream and we have to stop ourselves from laughing in her face.
"It's like, for me - my dream - it pieces together all of my confusion. My dog went into someone's garden and when I went to go get him … I don't know if I should say. But there was, like, a black snake and it had obviously killed the dog," she tells us.
I'm not a scientist but I do own a Himalayan salt crystal lamp so I feel like I can talk about the spiritual nuances of this dream. Clearly Anthony is the snake and Nadia is the dead Hairy Maclary.
So, will Nadia do what most of us sensible adults would do and make this life changing decision based on her sleeping pill-induced dream?
On his way to the vow renewal ceremony, Anthony makes a very on brand statement: "Nadia makes me feel special. She puts me first. SHE MAKES ME KING."
I don't need to hack into that comment. We're all thinking the same thing.
We then watch Nadia stumble through a garden for a really long time as she delivers a rambling internal monologue.
"Did you miss me?" Anthony asks Nadia once they eventually come face-to-face.
Nadia stares at him in silence.
"I missed you. I did," he says, pretending like his wife didn't just ignore his question.
"Thanks?" she says unsurely, refusing to say she missed him.
Then the boring vows come. I've taken the liberty of cutting out most of the crap Anthony says.
"I've grown attached to you and this is not something that I can - or want to - walk away from," Anthony tells her.
In that moment, Nadia realises Anthony's grip on her is inescapable.
In her vows, Nadia points out that Anthony was pretty much a big D for the past eight weeks.
"Initially in the relationship you took the reigns - immediately calling the shots, perhaps expecting me to be more passive than I actually am. I felt a bit unheard and like my opinion or voice didn't matter," she says.
She then drags up their first commitment ceremony where Anthony declared: "Nadia's mine!"
It seems like Nadia's on a roll and could totally be about to dump Anthony and reclaim the power. Anthony will so hate this and we're loving every second of it.
She lists all of the controlling things he's done. But then, her attitude changes.
"I've realised that in the end … the good outweighs the bad. And I'm ready to take this leap with you," she says, leaving Australia baffled, wondering where she just threw that laundry list of Anthony's terrible qualities she just read out.
After eight weeks of being held captive in a marriage with a guy who chose her outfits, dissed her boobs and shamed her career choices, she didn't take the free pass to escape?
"When I'm with you I feel secure, protected, happy," she says, confusing those first two words with "controlled" and "trapped".
I'm stunned and I don't get it. It's like Hairy Maclary died for nothing.
Just when we think we can't be confused by anything else on this show, we cut to Sean and Susan's decisions.
"I really love him. I don't know what to do," Susan says while getting out of the car at the vow renewal ceremony literally two minutes before she's meant to give her decision. Seriously, now's the time to just flip a coin.
Sean and Susan's outcome is the one we can't pick. They're both obsessed with each other but Sean lives in the middle of nowhere and, like me, Susan isn't keen on living anywhere that doesn't have a Westfield within a five kilometre radius. It's all about having rules in life, you know what I mean?
Sean's first up and of course he chooses to stay.
And when it comes to Susan, she spends the first five minutes of her vows saying how much she loves him.
"You committed yourself to be my husband and for that I completely love you. When I'm with you I feel alive. I feel happy. I feel very respected. And I can't even begin to picture my life without you," she says.
And then, of course, the dramatic music starts and her tone takes a turn.
"But I have to be truly honest with myself and think about my happiness and if I could really see myself living on your farm and completely missing my world and everything that makes me happy on a daily basis," she explains.
"I've decided I can't be in a relationship with you. I hope we can be the best of friends."
And with that, Susan gives up a lifetime of unconditional love and eternal happiness for the proximity of a Westfield.
But real talk: I'd totally do the same.
For more observations on Hairy Maclary and Westfield, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir
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