Last attempt to get someone (anyone) interested in election
WHOEVER is doing the PR for Election Fest 2019 needs to get fired. No one is interested. Just get it over with like a root canal or an Air Supply song.
The only people participating are the pollies and the media and we're not even real people. The only political conversations going on is everyone wondering out loud how the hell Clive Palmer got their mobile number.
You can't make a democracy omelette without breaking ideological eggs and by these low standards this election has been a failure.
Egg Boy cracked one on Fraser but Egg Girl failed to crack one on Scott. This led us all to wonder not so much about the egg or Egg Girl's technique but more about the physical properties of Scott's head. Is it spongy? Does it have a force field around it? Is it a hologram?
In order to spark a last-minute frenzy of interest in this Saturday's Election Fest we are inaugurating the Democracy Omelette Awards aka The Ommies.
The Does my Hypocrisy Look Big in this Election Award goes to Clive (can't pay my ex-workers but will spend $50 million on my campaign) Palmer.
The Cloak of Invisibility award goes to Environment Minister Melissa Price.
The Curse of the Mummy Award goes to the team behind the newspaper story having a shot at Bill Shorten's mum. It backfired so spectacularly it kicked off I Love My Mum Fest 2019 on the eve of actual Mother's Day.
The perennial High Speed Train to Nowhere Award goes to the Labor party for their bold commitment to a feasibility study into creating a framework to gauge the appropriateness of exploring parameters for a hypothetical future medium to very fast train if at all.
The No Shit Sherlock Award goes to the Greens for telling us over and over and over again the climate is nearly stuffed.
The Never Mind the Dead Fish Feel the Thread Count Award is a dramatic tie between the brothers from different mothers, Michael McCormack and Barnaby Joyce.
The Golden Ommie goes to Fraser Anning. Cue Air Supply to drown out the speech and cut to an ad.