Bride’s rude outburst sabotages wedding
Recoiling at the touch of her new husband before declaring she'd like the option of "blocking" him, one Married At First Sight bride has sabotaged her own wedding with a series of excruciating outbursts.
We'd all like the option of blocking people in real life. Bosses. Landlords. Other peoples' children. But you can't. Instead you just have to take the adult approach and be rude to their face until they get the point and stop contacting you.
Everyone we meet on Wednesday night is described by their friends as "top blokes" and "great girls" who "have no filter" and "call it how they see it". Just once it would be nice to hear someone describe their friend as being "OK sometimes, I guess".
Ning's a 32-year-old mum-of-three who works as a hairdresser just so she can insult old ladies with drab hair.
She's paired with Mark, who is 41 and works "in the fitness industry", which I'm pretty sure is just a fancy way of saying he stands at the Fitness First reception desk and swipes people in.
Coming on this show is a last resort for Mark. He confides in us he's never used the "L word". He can't even utter the word "love" in a sentence.
This all makes sense once we hear the following admission.
"I've got one plastic cup in my house and one plate," he shares
As if this isn't sad enough, producers then make him sit down at his Ikea dining table and use his single plastic plate and cup while we watch on.
In the corner of his living room, a child's chalkboard is propped up with a "to do" list scribbled on it. "Clean house," it reads.
As we watch Mark sitting on the couch in front of the TV, we glance through the bedroom door behind him and see his bed is still unmade at three in the afternoon.
Mark is honestly hanging by a thread.
We meet our second couple for the evening and it's just great to see MKR's Ash Pollard back on screens.
She's a 38-year-old radio announcer on the Sunshine Coast and, through this experience, she's hoping to find love and a metro gig.
She's the kind of person who says things like, "I just love hearing peoples' stories!"
These people are the worst and will often try to talk to you even when you've got your headphones in.
Heidi's paired with 44-year-old electrician Mike, who's just really humble and down to earth.
"I've been travelling around the world and staying in hostels and meeting women half my age and I've left a trail of hearts in my wake. But I'm exhausted. I cannot break another heart," he says, trying to impress us with his aloofness but all we take away from this statement is he can only afford to stay in hostels and has probably acquired bed bugs at some point.
Mike thinks he's smooth and charming but he's just super obnoxious and slimy and we spend a lot of time rolling our eyes at him.
People like Heidi usually rely on their hair for most of their confidence and self-esteem. But today, it's letting her down. She freaks out.
"What would possess me to do this ridiculous thing?!" she hyperventilates.
"A desire to progress your fledgling regional radio career!" we yell at the TV screen.
Her priorities come back into sharp focus. She can do this. But first, she must pee.
She weighs up the pros and cons of wedging a bowl or a mug between her legs to urinate into. Rummaging around the kitchen, we pop our head up over the island bench and hold up a wok but she's already started ruining one of the Airbnb's cups.
Honestly, Ash Pollard's pee cup is the most interesting part of her and Mike's wedding. The only other thing that happens is she walks on the beach in heels and he continues to think he's charming when he's not.
Back down in Melbourne, Ning is fantasising with her gal pals about what her match will be like.
"What if he lives on a farm? I could have my rice paddies out there," she says bluntly before giggling. "I had to push the Asian thing."
All her caucasian bridesmaids laugh but then stop because they don't know if it's a joke that's only OK for Ning to laugh at. This whole Kerri-Anne thing has confused everyone.
But the jokes stop as her limo nears the wedding ceremony and she's hit with emotion. She completely breaks down.
"I'm just so worried no one will love me," she sobs.
"You deserve love," her friend assures her.
Mark is prepared to love Ning. He wants to give her his heart and share the one plastic plate he owns. Single-use flatware has never been so romantic.
Ning is open to love and ready to receive it. Until she reaches the altar and sees Mark. Then she rejects love and throws it in his face like a plastic plate.
"I'm just here for the food and the drinks," she says, maybe joking but maybe not.
"He has eyes and hair," she observes. We don't know if this is a good or bad thing.
"I was worried you weren't coming," Mark tells her.
She takes this as a cue to pick a fight with him about makeup.
"It's been a long day. I'm pretty sure you didn't have to get up at five. You didn't have to do hair and makeup," she snips.
Mark is hurt. He put a lot of time into his hair today and it would be nice if it was appreciated. "I still had to do my hair," his voice cracks.
We all feel uncomfortable watching this unfold. And Mark's parents - who I'm pretty sure are the same age as Mark - aren't impressed.
When Ning complains about the cold, Mark tries to be a gentleman. He cups his hands and holds them to his mouth - warming them with his breath - before politely reaching out to rub her shoulders.
She immediately recoils.
"Ugh! Any excuse to touch me!" she shrieks, inching away. We're not as offended by this part because we too are grossed out by breath-hands.
Putting his heart on the line, Mark uses his vows to tell everyone about how he has never loved anyone.
The sympathy we feel is not echoed by Ning, who acts as if her face has just been touched by a stranger's breath-hands.
"He doesn't even know what love is. I don't want to waste time with a man with commitment issues," she snips.
Her hostility continues throughout the reception. While sitting directly next to Mark, she huffs to her bridesmaids: "I can't block him and I can't delete him."
Mark is shocked. He asks Ning to repeat herself in case he misheard.
"I WAS JUST SAYING," she says, raising her voice so as to articulate her message. "I can't block you like on social media. That's what I do - I block people in my life. If I'm not keen, I block."
But as many of us single losers haven't learnt, guys are determined creatures and blocking is just a momentary solution. One guy by the online name of PoundTown has been evading my blocking attempts for years. As soon as I block PoundTown on Grindr, he pops up again on another dating app and sends a rapid-fire succession of nudes. I've now resigned myself to the fact PoundTown is probably the guy I will marry.
Mark doesn't know why he's even trying. "I don't know if she even likes me," he shrugs. Honestly, she doesn't. But we admire your tolerance, Mark. On the plus side, she hasn't blocked you yet.
And if she does? Just create another account and message her again.
For more observations on Ash Pollard's pee cup and my husband PoundTown, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir