I'M JUST back from the Wednesday after the next Federal Election. I used the new UberTime app that allows me to book a spot in the future and have a time machine whisk me there.
Lots to report - you'll be pleased to hear the politicians have been listening. Not to you and me, of course. No, they listened to the spin doctors. And believed them. Again.
The result is the new form of Oz democracy. It's simple. No one won. As usual the people lost, but in a different way.
Parliament is chocka with single-issue, single-ego splinter parties. Several parties even have more than one member. None has anything like a majority and all were still jockeying for position when I had to return to the present.
After the Nationals departed and the right-wing Liberals split to form a new party, the rump of the old coalition was almost back in the centre of politics. The Prime Minister was still Malcolm Turnbull, but only because no clear winner had yet emerged with enough numbers to approach the Governor-General and declare himself the winner. Yes, himself.
The only female with enough votes to say she had a party was the ever-hopeful Pauline Hanson, who won just six seats after the usual round of tweets and revelations from would-be candidates reduced their numbers and the party's vote.
Turnbull had invested wisely with his usual gift to the nation of millions of dollars to ensure a deserving rich man in a very safe seat still had a good chance of being PM.
It kept Tony Abbott from toppling him in the party room on the Monday morning because the party can't run without Turnbull's credit card now that its friends can no longer run questionable donations through even more questionable trust funds. And why are they called trust funds when they often can't be trusted?
But the millions of dollars didn't keep Turnbull from the retribution of millions of ordinary Aussies. Give him credit though, he had gained some skill at losing semi-gracefully after the debacle last time when the media couldn't coax him from his lounge room to acknowledge he hadn't won a clear victory.
This time he bounded out with his spin doctor and announced he was satisfied he hadn't lost as badly as Bill Shorten.
And Monday had brought another defeat for Shorten as Tanya Plibersek made her move to Opposition Leader. She's keen for the next election, even if no one else is.
Unfortunately for her, the job's conditional. She only gets it if Bill can't negotiate a deal with One Nation, the right wing of the ex-Liberal Party and the Shooters, Nukers and Vegie Farm Party. The deal will have to permit gay marriage and save the Great Barrier Reef from both global warming and a negative UN report card. Good luck, Bill.
Plibersek was hopeful. If one of the major-ish parties didn't conclude some sort of agreement fast, the next election would be called. And with her looking fresh, she might win government. Gosh, a female PM. Where did they hide those knives? Kevin!
To escape that particular future I had to hotfoot it to the front of Parliament House. I grabbed a list of the likely senators then just made it into the time machine. It's good to be back at my keyboard with a coffee and the time to study the senator list. And that brought really good news - the upper chamber will be crammed with people from the Sex Party and the Voluntary Euthanasia Party. At least I'll be able to go out with a bang.2902
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