Lifestyle

Good grief, now everything we do is supposedly bad for us

Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick.
Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick. Contributed

HEALTH authorities have issued a stern warning that pretty much everything human beings do and eat is probably bad for them.

But they have urged people not to worry too much about this because the stress of worrying will kill them prematurely.

Human science researcher Dr Harn Doomsayer said, while he encouraged people to eat low-fat food, he equally discouraged the eating of these foods.

"Low-fat food is good for your body but inevitably it is full of sugar, sodium and some of those ingredients with long names that don't sound too good," he said.

"Sugar and sodium will kill you, as will fat."

Dr Doomsayer said he mostly recommended that people stick to natural products, like fruit.

"I would, however, discourage the consumption of fruit because it is full of sugar that will rot your teeth and possibly kill you," he said.

"Vegetables are mostly good for you but by the time they are cooked or turned into frozen meals they pretty much have no nutrients left. On top of that they taste foul and cause you to be depressed. This is very bad for you."

Dr Doomsayer said it was universally accepted that wholemeal and grains were good for you.

"Of course they are also sprayed with lots of chemicals so you should only eat grains that have not been grown on a farm," he said.

"This narrows it down to pretty much a choice of none.

"I certainly would encourage people to drink lots of fresh water. But keep in mind that the only really fresh water comes from mountain streams above the snow level. Most other water, including bottled water, is full of bacteria and chemicals that will probably kill you."

Dr Doomsayer said medical studies had shown that moderate consumption of alcohol was good for your heart.

"Unfortunately it destroys your liver and increases your chances of having a terrible accident," he said.

"Exercise is also good for you, unless you actually move. Moving increases your risk of serious injury and skin damage from sun exposure."

 

Alcohol Consumption

For reasons that are hard to explain, people always find the discussion of alcohol consumption to be very funny.

Almost any reference to alcohol in any social situation will produce laughter.

If you are at a conference and anyone makes reference to drinking too much, you can guarantee a laugh.

If you are having a morning meeting and you make reference to someone having "a few too many" the night before, that is also a guaranteed laugh.

If you mention dealing with any social problem with alcohol, that is also funny. Mention that someone "likes a drink" and there will be laughs all-round.

The alcohol-laughter nexus appears to be a link between the golden age of slapstick comedy and the fact that people who have consumed too much alcohol tend to stagger and fall over a lot.

People who have drunk too much also slur their speech and give their bosses an impromptu performance review.

This is always funny until somebody loses their job.

But this also becomes funny after a respectful lapse of time.

 

Thirsty Cow is fiction. No comments or information in this column is accurate, or even literate.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  alcohol diet health humour lifestyle thirsty cow


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Grow your own dwarf citrus trees

There's a new meyer lemon called Lemonicious that produces lots of tangy, juicy fruit, has glossy green leaves and also beautifully-perfumed white flowers in spring. Plus it grows to a very manageable 1m when planted in a pot.

Tips and picks from gardening expert Angie Thomas

OPINION: Pros, cons of once-sacred super fund

Can QSuper be recommended as a super fund? The answer is sometimes yes and sometimes definitely no.

Financial advisor Christoph Schnelle reviews QSuper

LIVE BLOG: Two debutants in Blues team for Origin I

Jarryd Hayne will return to the NSW side.

Local Partners

Concert death toll revised up to 22, tour suspended

TWENTY-TWO people have been killed and at least 59 people have been injured following a terror attack in Manchester

Nattali Rize at the top of the charts

ARTIST: Australian reggae artist Nattali Rize has Native American and Samoan roots and lives between Byron Bay, Cairns and Jamaica.

Her debut album hit the top at the Global Reggae Charts

Casual Keanu says fame is ‘cool’

Keanu Reeves in a scene from the movie John Wick: Chapter 2.

NOBODY expected much of John Wick when it was released in 2014.

Ariana Grande breaks her silence after fatal blast

According to reports quoting witnesses, a mass emergency evacuation was prompted after explosions were heard at the end of US singer Ariana Grande's concert in the arena.

The entertainment industry is in shock after attack on concert

Pitch Perfect star suing Woman’s Day over ‘liar’ articles

Actor Rebel Wilson outside court on Friday.

REBEL Wilson's career destroyed by grubby campaign, court hears.

Seven Year Switch: The boner to end all boners

Johnny’s outraged over claims he has a cracked boner.

She gulps. Her face says it all.

Bay to star in Hollywood shark thriller ‘Cage Dive’

Cage Dive, written and directed by Gerald Rascionato, is now screening in the United States of America. It had scenes filmed in Hervey Bay.

And our visiting humpback whales also make appearance.

One of Maryborough's most historic homes is still for sale

FULL OF HISTORY: Trisha Moulds is owner of the historic Tinana state known as Rosehill. The beautiful home is currently for sale.

It has been the scene of both joy and tragedies over the years.

The face of the Sunshine Coast's overpriced rental crisis

Alyx Wilson had to rent a $385 unit in Currimundi because the market was too competitive for cheaper rental housing. She is now renting a room from friends who own a house in Currimundi, and says its much more affordable.

Young people feel the strain in competitive, expensive rental market

WATCH: Take a tour of a tradie's dream home

5a Bruce Hiskens Court, Norman Gardens, going for $720,000. INSET: Lea Taylor.

Huge block with potential for anything

REVEALED: Where it's cheaper to pay off a mortgage than rent

6/190 Ewing Rd, Woodridge, is listed for offers $215,000. Picture: realestate.com.au

Brisbane suburbs where it is cheaper to buy than rent

The hardest place in the state to find a rental property

RENTAL SHORTAGE: Richmond River, Ballina Bar Emigrant Creek Pacific Highway Teven Interchange. Photo Jay Cronan / The Northern Star

Not enough supply to meet insatiable demand

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!