Not even sex on a trampoline will bring on a Royal baby
IS IT just me or is everyone so glad they are not a princess?
The Duchess of Cambridge must hate being stalked by media hoping for a right royal breaking of the water.
Under the best of circumstances the last two weeks of confinement are torturous, even for a duchess and I don't imagine quarter-hour breakfast TV updates from the pavement outside the maternity ward would help.
All three of my babies were overdue and it drove me crazy; imagine every random acquaintance, neighbour, colleague and bloke at the paper shop asking, "Haven't you had that baby yet?"
"Are you sure there's a baby in there?" and my personal favourite: answering the phone to hear the caller sigh with disappointment that I was still intact.
I know everyone loves a baby but it's not the mother's fault if it doesn't come on time. By the time I got to the labour ward I was usually answering the phone "No, I bloody haven't had it yet." Just to save the caller some small talk.
Just in case you're pregnant right now, I can tell you absolutely no advice to "bring on the baby" works.
Over three tardy inmates I cleaned every window in my house, mowed the lawn, ate pineapple, had a curry, ran up and down stairs, drank castor oil, went four-wheel-driving and had sex on a trampoline in a thunderstorm.
I apologise to my husband, mother and especially my children if they are reading this, but it's true and it didn't work.
Not sure if Wills and Kate own a trampoline but if they do, no need to get jiggy with it. It's slippery, hard to co-ordinate and it was a little bit scary when lightning struck and I thought Mrs Cameron from next door might be peering over the fence.
It turns out babies don't care what the date is or how many people are waiting to meet them, they do things in their own sweet time.
Just one good thing about being a duchess.
Unlike me, when Kate feels trim taut and terrific in a few weeks, when the baby is snuggled up at home with her mum and she ducks out to the paper shop, the bloke behind the counter probably won't look at her belly and ask, "You still not had that baby?"