EDITORIAL: Our secret touchy feely explodey plan
PICKED up a second hand yoga mat on the weekend having promised myself that in 2018 I would try and drag my body kicking and screaming back into the shape it was in 2008 (maybe 2014 tops) and I figured that yoga may be the way to do it. Well that and a few less pies.
I got the mat from one of those spontaneous garage sales that appear out of nowhere on weekends and clog up the footpaths around Byron Bay. You know the ones I mean, they look like someone has flung the contents of their room in the share house out onto the footpath to try and sell off as much of their crap as possible prior to doing a moonlight flit.
So I unrolled my mat and noticed it was covered in mirror writing. I held it up to a mirror and discovered what I had in my hot little hands were the minutes from a secret meeting of Byron Shire Council where they hatched plans to turn our shire into a major manufacturer and exporter of armaments.
It was one of the first iterations of their Fit For the Future plans. That's right, Byron Shire was way ahead of 'Malcolm Come Lately' in realising the only way to earn any serious coin was to get into the business of exporting death and misery to the world's trouble spots.
The armaments caper is a genius move by modern post Trump/Dutton standards in that not only do the blood soaked dollars roll in but by fanning the flames in the world's flash points you guarantee a continuous steady flow of scapegoat-able refugees to bump up the fear factor at home and keep the electorate focussed on something apart from massive wealth inequality and environmental vandalism.
Anyway according to my Da Vinci Code yoga mat council already had a scheme on the go with a distinctly North Coast touchy-feely-explodey flavour to it.
Dubbed Project Dream Weaver, the plan involved harnessing Byron's cutting edge dream catcher technology.
A side note here- if you want your plan to be truly diabolical throw in the word project first. For example- Project Masterplan (mass hypnosis of the citizenry) sounds infinitely more diabolical than Masterplan Project (fixing some roads and laying some turf).
Project Dreamweaver will see the weapon-isation of a dream catcher so large that when dropped from helicopters onto our enemies their dreams of breaking the cycle of poverty, exploitation and injustice in their fledgling democracy will be neutralised making them ripe for annihilation.
It was then a crack squad of council's counter- intelligence parking inspectors burst in to the BSN yoga-dojo to secure the secrets of my yoga mat by wrapping it inside another slightly larger yoga mat and putting it in same drawer they keep the plans for the Byron CBD Bypass. So they will never be seen again.