THE time has come to put some reality back into reality television and replace the false jeopardy of television programs like The Block, Survivor, Hell's Kitchen and The Bachelor with some real jeopardy.
And with the new media laws coming into effect any minute now, I expect to be heading up a television network by next week so I want to be prepared with some fresh ideas.
Like me, you've probably wondered to yourself, "Why am I watching privileged first world softies pretending to struggle against a bunch of fake dilemmas when there's a whole world of real pain and suffering out there just waiting for some serious cross-promotion and product placement.”
And the beauty of these ideas is we don't have to do anything except change location and task.
Instead of the Survivor crew running around a tropical island in bikinis and bandanas trying to light a fire so they can sit around talking about their feelings and how hungry they are, we drop them into the jungle on the border of Myanmar and task them with leading Rohingya families out into the relative safety of neighbouring Bangladesh.
For the sake of visuals they still have to wear bikinis and board shorts but the whole thing will have a new air of urgency and relevance.
The Survivor survivors will then be met at the refugee camp by Marco Pierre White and the Hell's Kitchen crew, who have left souffles and sea foam behind and are now tasked with feeding the the Rohingya families using only septic water, UN-issued powdered eggs and the remains of an elephant that stepped on a land mine.
But the ideas don't stop there. The Block crew will be parachuted into Syria to rebuild an apartment block in Aleppo. Their first task, apart from not getting gassed by the Russian or Syrian air force, will be to clear the site of unexploded ordinance and clear a drop zone for Mitre 10 to helicopter in the water features. How's that for week one? Scott Cam is going to look awesome in cammo.
And lest you think The Bachelor couldn't be improved, we load them into the next Mars space probe and live stream it back to earth as they wrestle with lip gloss and breast implants in zero gravity.
No one will hear you scream in the vacuousness of this space.
I think I've just invented a whole new reality TV genre.
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