Bach cheater dumps lover for new fling
Bachelor In Paradise's cheating bed-hopper spends the night with yet another girl in a bure on Monday before heartlessly cutting loose the woman he has been stringing along for a week - the merciless dumping causing everyone to furrow their brows more than we do when Keira talks in that weird American accent.
It's really just your stock standard episode. Oh, and Jamie's naked. In hindsight this recap really should've came with an offensive content warning.
Talk around the frozen daiquiri machine is there's a new addition to the island: Kiki. And word has it she and Ciarran hooked up before coming onto the island. But when she makes her grand entrance, they pretend to be strangers.
"Hi, Kiki, nice to meet you," she introduces herself while leaning in for a polite kiss on the cheek.
"Hi, how are you," Ciarran asks, acting like he has never met this girl in his life.
"Good, how are you?" she persists with the charade.
We all know they know each other. But they don't know we know. So everyone just mocks them from afar at the frozen daiquiri machine.
"Nice to met you, I'm Kiki and I f**ked you three days ago," Renee mocks them.
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For the past six days, Ciarran has been coupled up with Jess. And in Bachelor years that's, like, a decade of marriage. But he has different ideas.
"I reckon he will drop Jess like a cold pie," Timm sighs, predicting his mate will run after that hot new stranger Kiki.
It's so disrespectful. The only person allowed to turn their nose up at a dirty street pie is Laurina.
Because Osher is thirsty for drama, he gifts Kiki a date card and of course she takes Ciarran. We really get a sense for who these two people are within the first minute of the date.
"Oh my god, look. Is that a boat?" Kiki points at a boat.
"I have no idea," Ciarran squints at the boat.
The results are back. I can confirm, it is in fact a boat.
The contraption that may or may not be a boat takes them to another part of the island where they are promptly pushed overboard and made swim ashore. Shipwrecked, they will spend the night together in a half-built bure - like a hornier Tom Hanks and a Wilson but with lip fillers.
"I don't really feel bad for leaving Jess behind," Ciarran muses when prodded by producers. "For me, there's no feelings or anything coming up. It's more been, like, just sexual chemistry between us which, you know, I was enjoying. So, yeah, I'm sure she knows if this date goes well, I'll be trying to keep things up with Kiki."
"Have you spent any other nights with Kiki?" producers ask.
"Yes. I have," he admits.
Interesting, interesting. Just for fun, let's check in with Jess!
"I definitely want to continue spending time with Ciarran and I definitely have feelings for him and I do believe he has feelings for me," she nods while we giggle because she so doesn't know what's coming.
Meanwhile, Keira has her eye on Alex and swiftly engages him in the subtle dance of seduction.
"You're so f**king hot. Look how hot you are. Will you have sex with me?" she slurs.
By the time the "boat" comes back to pick up Ciarran and Kiki the following morning, a decision has been made. Ciarran will cut Jess loose and pretend like the romantic six days they shared were all in her head.
But before he can have that chat, Osher is at it again and gifts Jess a date card knowing full well the drama it will cause.
"Hopefully she does not pick me, Jesus. There's gonna be carnage," Ciarran whispers while hiding behind a deck chair.
Jessica knows deep down what's going on. Ciarran is not the man she thought he was. She wants to hear the words from him.
"I'm clearly doing what I wanna do so … just crack on. Like, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend," he flicks her off, withholding all emotion.
It's like those six days and countless frozen daiquiris meant nothing to him.
"Just like that, I've been dumped. I'm ready to have nothing to do with him. Can he come pick up his shit from my room?" she wells up.
"The reason people are so intrigued by serial killers when they don't show any emotion when they do the f**ked up things they do … He pretended to be open and honest and played this game. I was just a pawn in the game."
But she still has a date card to use. She looks around at the smorgasbord of Tinder rejects and picks Alex.
Keira reacts appropriately.
"I've literally sat on him - Alex is mine," she spits.
Ciarran's relentless bedhopping has made things on the island really awkward. He's left with no other option but to go into witness protection.
At the cocktail party, Keira's shaking in her wedge sandals. Sure, she has sat on Alex. Legally, that does mean he's hers. But some people like Jess think they're able to function outside of social boundaries.
Sorry, that's a really verbose way of explaining the situation. Keira articulates it a little better.
"Jess and I are very different people. She's a dickhead. Does he want a jail bird or does he want a hot bird?" she sighs.
Turns out, Alex does want a hot bird and chooses Keira at the rose ceremony. She sat on him, so he's hers.
Of course Ciarran picks Kiki and Jess is made swim home. Helena's also kicked out but, honestly, she was too good for this show to begin with and her presence on the series has never made sense. Helena will be fine.
Jess on the other hand?
"I'm so f**king angry," she hisses as she trudges through the sand.
She came here for love and is leaving as just another woman scorned by Ciarran. If she could go back in time, she'd give him a wedgie in those annoying yellow speedos he insists on running around in.
She thought it was real and she feels like a fool for believing him. Six whole days. It was all an illusion. Just like that floating marine vessel Ciarran and Kiki may or may not have seen.
Originally published as Bach cheater dumps lover for new fling