Hughesy’s most brutal jokes from the Logies
DAVE Hughes is arguably the best thing about the Logies these days.
Since 2015 the comedian has opened TV's night of nights with hilarious monologues that mock the many famous faces in the room.
As he puts the finishing touches on his jokes ahead of Sunday night's ceremony, we thought we'd take a look back at some of his best gags from the past few years.
On being fat shamed by his daughter after he took his shirt off on Australia's Got Talent: "I'm watching TV one afternoon with my daughter. Daddy runs onto the flat screen, rips off his shirt and my three-year-old daughter looks at me and goes, 'Dad, you should never show your tummy on TV'. I said, 'well you should never s**t in the bath but you do, don't you!' I don't make you feel bad about that, do I?"
On why the latest season of The Biggest Loser was a ratings failure: "It's a great show but they had thin people on. That wasn't gonna work out. I love opening night, weigh-in night. I was sitting down and I heard someone say they weigh 75kgs. I looked up and I thought, 'they'd better be two foot tall!' They were normal size. I weigh 88kgs. How can I enjoy my nachos watching that? Opening night of The Biggest Loser I want people to be craned out of their houses. I want the first weigh-in to be done on the Hume Highway on a truck weighbridge."
On Grant Denyer: "He's a racing car driver. About a month ago he crashed his car into a tree at 160km an hour. The only thing that saved him was the seven pillows that he was sitting on. And the booster seat."
On Sunrise and Today's coverage of Cyclone Debbie: "It was 24/7 coverage of Cyclone Debbie for a few days and I don't know if it was windy enough. There was a lot of reporters outside going, 'it's windy!' I'm thinking, 'well go inside then if it's windy!' The most harrowing footage I saw was a shopping trolley wheeling across a carpark and I reckon it was downhill and I think maybe the camera man pushed it. If you're gonna have 24/7 coverage for about four days I want to see a cow flying across a cane field, even if Kochie has to shoot the Cash Cow out of a cannon to make it happen."
On George Calombaris being busted for underpaying staff at his restaurants: "In his defence he said he's a chef, not an accountant. Apparently that's why he cooked the books."
On My Kitchen Rules star Colin Fassnidge: "Good old Colin Fassnidge, Irish chef. We love an overseas chef here. Do you know Jamie Oliver? You met him. Can you tell him to stop trying to tell Australia how to eat healthy, mate? Have a few less pies yourself, you chunky bastard! A little bit less yoghurt on it, Jamie."
On Shane Warne after his appearance on I'm a Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here!: "He's single and ready to mingle. He did so well on I'm a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! that he's doing his own version in his hotel room after the show. It's a little different, it's called I'm A Celebrity … Get in Here!"
On The Block's huge prizemoney: "Last year's series, $3 million for the five couples. The one that came last won almost $500,000. That's for a reality show. Compare that to the other reality shows. If you win The Bachelor you get 20 dead roses and a dud boyfriend for six months … and possibly a couple of cold sores."
On the public's fascination with Karl Stefanovic's personal life: "The paparazzi followed Karl to America. That made me angry. I can't get them to follow me down the street. I could walk down Bourke street with four hookers and a wheelbarrow full of drugs and they wouldn't find me."
The 2018 TV Week Logie Awards will air live on Channel 9 from 7pm on Sunday, July 1