Lifestyle

Good grief, now everything we do is supposedly bad for us

Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick.
Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick. Contributed

HEALTH authorities have issued a stern warning that pretty much everything human beings do and eat is probably bad for them.

But they have urged people not to worry too much about this because the stress of worrying will kill them prematurely.

Human science researcher Dr Harn Doomsayer said, while he encouraged people to eat low-fat food, he equally discouraged the eating of these foods.

"Low-fat food is good for your body but inevitably it is full of sugar, sodium and some of those ingredients with long names that don't sound too good," he said.

"Sugar and sodium will kill you, as will fat."

Dr Doomsayer said he mostly recommended that people stick to natural products, like fruit.

"I would, however, discourage the consumption of fruit because it is full of sugar that will rot your teeth and possibly kill you," he said.

"Vegetables are mostly good for you but by the time they are cooked or turned into frozen meals they pretty much have no nutrients left. On top of that they taste foul and cause you to be depressed. This is very bad for you."

Dr Doomsayer said it was universally accepted that wholemeal and grains were good for you.

"Of course they are also sprayed with lots of chemicals so you should only eat grains that have not been grown on a farm," he said.

"This narrows it down to pretty much a choice of none.

"I certainly would encourage people to drink lots of fresh water. But keep in mind that the only really fresh water comes from mountain streams above the snow level. Most other water, including bottled water, is full of bacteria and chemicals that will probably kill you."

Dr Doomsayer said medical studies had shown that moderate consumption of alcohol was good for your heart.

"Unfortunately it destroys your liver and increases your chances of having a terrible accident," he said.

"Exercise is also good for you, unless you actually move. Moving increases your risk of serious injury and skin damage from sun exposure."

 

Alcohol Consumption

For reasons that are hard to explain, people always find the discussion of alcohol consumption to be very funny.

Almost any reference to alcohol in any social situation will produce laughter.

If you are at a conference and anyone makes reference to drinking too much, you can guarantee a laugh.

If you are having a morning meeting and you make reference to someone having "a few too many" the night before, that is also a guaranteed laugh.

If you mention dealing with any social problem with alcohol, that is also funny. Mention that someone "likes a drink" and there will be laughs all-round.

The alcohol-laughter nexus appears to be a link between the golden age of slapstick comedy and the fact that people who have consumed too much alcohol tend to stagger and fall over a lot.

People who have drunk too much also slur their speech and give their bosses an impromptu performance review.

This is always funny until somebody loses their job.

But this also becomes funny after a respectful lapse of time.

 

Thirsty Cow is fiction. No comments or information in this column is accurate, or even literate.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  alcohol, diet, health, humour, lifestyle, thirsty cow


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

North Coast beaches cleared as sharks spotted

Noosa Main Beach.

Swimmers were forced from the water after a spate of sightings

Nats promise to restore Bangalow Weir if re-elected

An artists impression of the restored Bangalow Weir.

$250,000 for the Bangalow Weir to be restored promised

Vale Barb Pinter- community champion

BARB PINTER: Co-ordinator of the Byron Breast Cancer Support Group.

VALE Barb Pinter who passed away last weekend.

Latest deals and offers

Calls for action after six Tweed/Byron police assaulted

TOUGHER penalties and mandatory sentencing for offenders who assault police and other emergency service workers are being touted as possible outcomes.

North Coast beaches cleared as sharks spotted

Noosa Main Beach.

Swimmers were forced from the water after a spate of sightings

Nats promise to restore Bangalow Weir if re-elected

An artists impression of the restored Bangalow Weir.

$250,000 for the Bangalow Weir to be restored promised

Vale Barb Pinter- community champion

BARB PINTER: Co-ordinator of the Byron Breast Cancer Support Group.

VALE Barb Pinter who passed away last weekend.

Coffee Tardis helps local women reconnect with work

OUTSIDE THE BOX: Shane Hogan, Paul Spooner, Celeste Harris, Anne Goslett, Trevor Sleep, Helen Hamilton, Rod McKelvey and Rodney Contojohon.

Pay it forward at the Coffee BOX opening in Byron bay next week.

Take a look at the draft plan for Byron’s coast

Byron Shire Council have said they’d love to have your input

The best retro movies of the week? May 27 - June 3

Gregory Peck Photo Contributed

This week TV fan get to see Tom Cruise in a 1980s classics

Barnaby Joyce talks Johnny Depp's dogs in Tweed

Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce talks about Johnny Depp's dogs Pistol and Boo...

Road rage caught on Dashcam

Attack with a baseball bat caught on Dashcam

Video of a violent road rage incident in Orange last December.

Malcolm Turnbull and Barnaby Joyce tour Rockhampton sweet potato farm

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce visit a...

Perfect time to invest in Northern Rivers property

The Northern Rivers rental market is tighter than Sydney making it the perfect time for investors to get better returns out of property than superannuation or banks deposits.

Low interest rates and tight rental market are prime time to invest